I met Paul Darrow in July 2018 at a Courage conference, having been invited by a friend to attend. As a married man and father, it was a little peculiar why I was there, since this is an annual conference for Catholics with Same-Sex Attraction (SSA) striving to live chaste lives in accordance with Catholic teaching. Nevertheless, I found it to be both a noble apostolic mission and a conference worth attending in order to gain some perspective on a topic unfamiliar to me.
Paul and I have corresponded periodically over the years. He is a man of deep prayer, imbibed with the gratitude of a thankful revert who recognizes his ransoming from sin and death by the blood of Christ, helped by Mother Angelica of EWTN fame. His background as a hedonist and an international model in his past life shows that none of us are beyond the call of grace and metanoia. His testimony in the 2014 documentary The Desire of the Everlasting Hills is both moving and insightful.
Paul and I recently had a conversation about his thoughts on the unique struggles of SSA Catholics, male friendship, and living an authentic Catholic life, especially in the wake of the controversial Vatican document Fiducia Supplicans. My hope is that Catholics without SSA can gain some insight in hearing from a faithful brother in Christ and that this lends itself to genuine accompaniment as a corporal body of believers in charity.
CWR: Do you think the struggles in chastity for same-sex attracted Catholics are different from those without SSA? If so, why?
Paul Darrow: Naturally, different people deal with their struggles in chastity in different ways. Although my presentations focus on SSA and the Catholic Church, many opposite-sex attracted men and women want to speak to me afterwards about their own personal challenges with chastity. A conversation I had with a young Air Force pilot years ago opened my eyes to how similar their struggles in chastity can be to those of us who have SSA.
The pilot, who is Catholic and does not have SSA, pretended to be a high school student. He did this, and stayed at the end of the line of students, just so he could talk to me in private about how he was losing the battle against his hyper-sexuality. He was worried his sexual temptations would not only hurt his military career and damage his relationship with his loved ones but also destroy his spiritual life. He had become so worried that he began to suffer from depression. He felt that I was the only person he was able to speak with about his struggles with chastity. He could not even speak to a therapist because therapists are required to inform the Air Force of the names of pilots they treat for depression, which could mean he might never be allowed to fly again.
Like the pilot, many men and women with SSA have no one to talk to about their struggles in chastity. Some of them are afraid to speak to their families about such things. And if they share their struggles with their friends, who are likely to be advocates of the gay lifestyle, they risk being ostracized and ridiculed. They always have the option to speak to priests, but many of them are not properly prepared to deal with this issue. It is not unusual for some priests, and even therapists, to respond with something like, “Don’t worry so much about being chaste, just try to settle down with one person.” Unfortunately, many men and women with SSA are forced to face their struggles in chastity alone.
Those with SSA often have the additional burden of healing deep-seated wounds from the environmental and psychological influences they experienced in their childhood. These influences might have affected their sexual orientation and make their struggles in chastity considerably more difficult. Also, some Catholics with SSA, especially men, face the burden of struggling just to leave the gay lifestyle. Many of them have become addicted to it. It is a lifestyle that draws them into places where men hookup and where the culture seduces them into a mindset that says, “I’m okay, you’re okay, it’s okay, enjoy yourself.”
CWR: In your experience, how do the struggles of those with SSA differ between men and women?
Paul Darrow: I cannot speak for women. But the first thing that comes to mind is how different women are from men. Studies indicate women do not think about physical intimacy as much as men do and that women are more concerned about emotional connections. They also indicate men have a stronger desire for frequent physical intimacy and are more inclined to seek out multiple physical encounters.
For these differences alone, it stands to reason that men, in general, have a more difficult time achieving chastity than women do. I am not downplaying the struggles in chastity for women with SSA. But the challenges for men with SSA to become and stay chaste seem even greater when you consider the endless availability of other men with SSA who are also searching for the same kinds of physical encounters that they are. And since men seeking love are more likely to search for it by engaging in quick physical encounters, they are more likely to suffer from sex addiction.
Availability is never good when the thing you are trying to resist is seemingly available everywhere. Paraphrasing what a man struggling with chastity wrote me, “The wrong kind of love is hard to escape in this day and age. It is practically as available as food in a grocery store.”
CWR: Did you ever deal with any sort of cognitive dissonance as a Catholic with regards to sexuality and the teachings of the Church?
Paul Darrow: Quite the opposite. After more than a thirty-year absence from the Catholic Church, it was the truth I recognized in Church teaching on human sexuality that brought me back. This truth convinced me to reject the way I had been living and to strive for purity.
At first my struggles with chastity seemed insurmountable, but with the help of God’s grace and mercy I was able to become, and to remain, chaste for more than fourteen years now. I know plenty other Catholics with SSA who have had similar experiences. There is nothing like a wakeup call, a Saint Paul moment, to set hearts on fire and turn us from living our truth to living His truth. I believe I became immune to any kind of cognitive dissonance with regards to sexuality and the teachings of the Church.
However, I, along with a multitude of other Catholics who have SSA and embrace chastity, would surely suffer from cognitive dissonance were Church teaching on homosexuality changed to create a new normal in order to satisfy today’s secular culture.
CWR: People often talk about the LGBT “community” but this in fact seems more like a diverse political bloc than a true community as a religious believer would understand it. Would you say that is accurate?
Paul Darrow: The initialism LGBTQIA2S+ is definitely a diverse political bloc. If it is a community, it is one that keeps changing. Originally it had only the letters G and L for gay and lesbian. The more letters they added, the larger their group became. When gays and lesbians first marched under the GL banner in NYC, they were only asking to be treated fairly. I know; I was there. But once they started getting the gay rights they wanted, things changed. Under the guise of gay pride, they began seeking gay power. Again, I was there.
Out of the thousands men and women with SSA whom I have spoken to over the years, I never heard one of them say in private, “I am proud to be gay.” In a attempt to describe gay pride, Wikipedia defines it as “the promotion of the self-affirmation, dignity, equality, and increased visibility of LGBT+ people as a social group.” Does this not sound more like a group that seeks gay pride than one that actually has it? It is questionable whether true heart-felt gay pride even exists. But the political clout of the LGBT+ group is so real it could be its own political party. It has already helped to change the meaning of marriage and of man and woman. It will never stop doing its best to change Catholic teaching, especially on human sexuality.
CWR: What is it like being a man with SSA in the realm of friendship? What is unique or challenging when it comes to friendships with other men?
Paul Darrow: This depends on where a man with SSA is in his journey through life. From the time boys are in elementary school, they are likely to worry about what others will think of them and worry that other boys will not want to be their friends. Athletic ability and physical strength are determinative factors for how well they will be accepted and treated by others in their class. The boys who are not athletic, which are often those with SSA, are more likely to be teased and bullied by stronger, seemingly more masculine, students. Experiences like these in our formative years can cause men with same-sex attraction to feel separated from their own masculinity and lead them to believe they lack something other men have. It can also make them feel ill at ease when interacting with heterosexual men. In every respect, this is what happened to me. I felt I had nothing in common with heterosexual men.
Once I dove headfirst into the gay lifestyle, the amount of male friends I could have was limitless, or so it seemed. What we shared was the quest for excitement and love and, even if only subconsciously, an escape from loneliness. In some ways, we cheapened the meaning of friendship. We had fun, but as I look back on those days, I feel sadness in my heart. This sadness is not so much for myself, although there is some of that, but a deep sadness for those who never moved beyond that phase of their lives. I am not implying everyone who embraces the gay lifestyle lives the way I did. However, we just need to look around us to see that a great many of them do.
My party train came to a screeching halt when I realized God is real. Knowing how the LGBT+ community feels about the Catholic Church, I was not surprised that almost none of my friends with SSA wanted to have anything to do with Catholic Paul. However, I was amazed by how easily and quickly I was able to form strong friendships with faith-filled Christian men, both those with SSA who embrace chastity and those who are opposite-sex attracted. Once we can “love thy neighbor as thyself,” we can stop thinking of men in terms of “gay” or “straight” but as brothers in Christ.
For me, what bonds true friendship with Catholic men is our love for God and His love for us. My friends and I recognize we are sinners and that it is easier to travel the path to holiness with others than to struggle along it alone. Desiring friendship with others can lead us to God.
CWR: What advice would you give to Catholic parents who may have a child with SSA?
Paul Darrow: If I could give parents only two pieces of advice, the first would be to work on making their children with SSA feel more loved than ever before. The second would be for parents to let their children know they will never stop loving them no matter how they choose to live. Once a child feels a parent’s love, it can become easier for the child, and the parent, to be receptive to what each other is saying and feeling. Hearing the words, “Mom, Dad, I’m gay,” can be heartbreaking for parents. Nevertheless, they should try to appear calm and focus on what their child wants them to know.
This is important because their reaction might be the only thing their children remember about the conversation for the rest of their lives. Also, this is not the time for parents to start talking about the Bible or their faith. Most children already know how their parents feel about their Catholic Faith. What their child needs to know at this point is how the parents are feeling about their child now that they are aware of their child’s SSA.
When men and women first identify as “gay,” the experience can be like a child getting a new toy. Their “gayness” might be the most important thing in their lives. But, as years go by, many of those with SSA start longing for something more. In my case, I eventually began to realize I had accepted a cheap imitation of real love. All of us are at different places in our spiritual journeys. Where our children with SSA find themselves today can be completely different from where they will be tomorrow. But what they are going through right now might be just what they need to help them grow closer to God. By being good examples of what it means to be truly loving Catholics, and by embracing the power of prayer, parents can sow seeds of truth in the hearts of their children who have SSA. And by the grace of the Holy Spirit, those seeds have the possibility of blossoming into answered prayers.
For those men and women who experience same-sex attractions and feel called to make a commitment to strive for chastity, I recommend contacting Courage International. Through this Catholic Apostolate, people who experience SSA can receive pastoral support in the form of spiritual guidance, community prayer support, and fellowship.
CWR: What do you wish both the Church and the secular world at large knew about being a Catholic with SSA striving to be faithful and chaste?
Paul Darrow: Although the Catholic Church is often criticized for its teaching on human sexuality, there is no doubt in my mind that it has a better understanding of chastity and same-sex attraction than any other entity in the world. The Church helped put me back on the right track and made it easy for me to return “home.” I love the Catholic Church and will be forever grateful for the all it has done for me, for my brothers and sisters with SSA attraction and for millions of others.
Unfortunately, many within the Church have an agenda that incudes downplaying the importance of striving to be chaste. Chastity and SSA are rarely mentioned in churches today. I have never heard a single homily, except for those at conferences, that specifically encourage people with SSA to strive for the virtue of chastity. Nevertheless, the Scripture readings, homilies, love and acceptance we experience in Church provide us with more encouragement than we could ever find anywhere else. And of course, the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist assures us we are never alone.
If I had the opportunity to address priests, bishops and cardinals in Rome today, I would tell them the same thing I told them at the end of a presentation I gave there several years ago. I would again plead with them not to change Church teaching on homosexuality and let them know how important the Catholic Church and the Courage Apostolate are to my Catholic brothers and sisters who want to move beyond the confines of their homosexual identity.
I would like everyone to know that turning away from God and His Church is not the key to happiness for those of us who have SSA or for anyone else. Instead, it is the key to loneliness. I would also like the world to know that it is possible to become chaste and that striving to be faithful and chaste is not as much a sacrifice as it is a healing. It is a special healing that can bring us a joy, a spiritual fulfillment and a freedom we might have never known. I wish the secular world would start tuning out what the culture wants them to believe and tune in to the pure love that is found at the heart Catholic truth.
CWR: How has sharing your testimony in the Desire of the Everlasting Hills documentary changed your life?
Paul Darrow: Sharing my testimony in the film, or anywhere else, has changed my life only for the better. When my heart was first filled with a desire to distance myself from the way I had been living and to become a chaste Catholic, I did not know anyone with SSA who had turned away, or wanted to turn away, from the gay lifestyle. I was not even sure if it would be possible for me to become chaste. The main reason I agreed to be in Desire of the Everlasting Hills was to give others hope and to be a witness to God’s grace, love and truth. I know from personal experience how important having hope is for those striving to live chaste lives in accordance with Church teaching. I wanted to also give hope to the loved ones of those with SSA who have abandoned their faith in order to pursue love in all the wrong ways.
But like everything we do in God’s name, we end up receiving more than we can ever give. Being in this film has helped me to be unafraid to speak publicly about my Catholic Faith and about the pitfalls of the lifestyle I had once embraced. It has given me a new kind of courage, and inspired me to participate in ministries I never wanted anything to do with in the past. Whenever I watch Desire of the Everlasting Hills, I am reminded the film has given me the same kind of hope that it gives to others. It never fails to remind me that God is waiting to welcome His prodigal sons and daughters home.
CWR: Any comments or perspective on the DDF’s recent declaration Fiducia Supplicans, on same-sex “blessings?”
Paul Darrow: When I first read Fiducia Supplicans, it reminded me of something my teacher told me in acting class. He said, “What you are expressing with your mouth is different from what you are expressing with your body.” Fiducia Supplicans states the Church is not allowing a blessing that can create confusion, yet it has already caused confusion on many levels. In 2021, we were informed by the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith that it is “not licit to impart a blessing on relationships that involve sexual activity outside of marriage (i.e., outside the indissoluble union of a man and a woman open in itself to the transmission of life), as is the case of the unions between persons of the same sex.” We heard that bestowing a blessing on a same-sex couple’s relationship would be an “imitation” of the nuptial blessing and that God “does not and cannot bless sin.” Also, it was reported that when German priests blessed gay relationships, it was defiance of a Vatican order signed by Pope Francis. There is nothing confusing about any of these statements.
But, less than two years later, confusion sets in when Fiducia Supplicans gives its blessing to blessing gay relationships in 2023. We are told it is done in an attempt to offer an “innovative contribution to the pastoral meaning of blessings.” If blessing a relationship “outside the indissoluble union of a man and a woman open in itself to the transmission of life” is not licit in 2021, how is it licit in 2023?
Despite all of the Fiducia Supplicans apologetics in the document itself, in churches, on social media and elsewhere, the Declaration has propagated more than just confusion. The author of Fiducia Supplicans, as well as many other priests, appear to be bending over backwards to assure us the Declaration has not changed anything. However, it has already changed more than it should have. A well-know American priest who espoused the Vatican’s approval of blessing same-sex relationships even stated, “Be wary of the ‘Nothing has changed response.’ It’s a significant change.” Yes, it is a significant change, but for what purpose? Is it to be more pastoral? Or is it to please those who have been biting at the bit for years to bless same-sex relationships and to change Church teaching on homosexuality?
Fiducia Supplicans goes to great lengths to describe blessings. It details how they were used to bless people in the Old and New Testaments. But it neglects to detail what it now allows to be blessed—same-sex relationships. When a priest blesses a same-sex union he is blessing all that the union represents not only to the world but also to God. Not surprisingly, Fiducia Supplicans has already caused many of my faith-filled Catholic brothers and sisters with SSA to question Church teaching. Some are asking, “Why bother to be chaste?” Others believe the Declaration has granted tacit permission for them to enter into same-sex relationships. Had priests been blessing gay relationships when I was returning to the Church, I might not have been chaste, or even Catholic, today. When pastoral care becomes more about inclusion than it does about spirituality, we risk separating love from truth and man from God.
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I met Paul when I lived in South Carolina and had lunch with him. He is a courageous man and has done much to help those with SSA to live in the truth with integrity. God bless you, Paul.
A provocative challenge for a priest is how to respond to a brother priest who is same sex oriented living in a secretive world with others like him. Unfortunately, as is well known, in the priesthood many suffer this disorder, and have spent years developing a lifestyle of preventative disclosure. Although most men, priests who are not SSA may detect that behavior. I searched Marco’s interview with Darrow but couldn’t find some insight. His St Paul moment of conversion wasn’t explained.
What is relevant is Farrow’s parent to child dynamic of the need to express love throughout the ordeal of disclosure. I believe that’s essential for a brother priest who wants to help. Rather than contempt, insult which I confess was my reaction in the seminary, and carried on into the priesthood, it eventually became evident, and with that a necessity that I could be an instrument of Christ’s redeeming love. And Christ’s salvation. The challenge is to have the courage and sensitivity to break through the facade. We need to care for them, our brother priest, in the same manner of prayer, counsel as we would for the layman.
So many SSA struggle with chastity and succeed. but if their thoughts are still with an unchaste lifestyle is sin, with all its consequences, not applicable in such cases.
as youngsters we were were taught that sin could be committed through thought, word or deed. when was this changed. Michael Drake.
I continue to marvel at how so many regard this as a chosen condition. It most certainly is not. It most often is quite an unconscious adaptation due to inadequate nurturing. Every child is different and requires different assistance in development. When there is any sort of deficiency things can go off the desired track. For an individual child what adults perceive as a difficult though benign circumstance is, for the child, a real trauma.
A father’s proactive presence in the life of any boy is absolutely critical, particularly in the first few years. Absence, even of the most innocent nature, can be the determinate of what follows. Actual presence can be insufficient. Intimate engagement is required. Every boy is different in their necessity. What works for one could be insufficient for the other.
Our psychological lives, particularly in our developing years, are a bit more complicated than we sometimes care to acknowledge.
We are all vulnerable.
Your observations are particularly apt. I am painfully certain that my
grandson suffered from the lack of a supportive, loving father who himself was a victim of terrible neglect as a child. How do you help a child like this when there is “no one who cares?” A grandmother, no matter how loving, cannot make up for this. Like so many others, he killed himself at 22. I should have added that there was no indication whatever of SSA, but in retrospect, I have wondered whether he might have been cursed with some sort of autism as well. In any case, he needed a father’s love so desperately, and his father just didn’t know how to give itl
Correct. If the SSA person hasn’t changed interiorly and remains committed they’re living in sin. Our Church briefly held that those with SSA shouldn’t enter the priesthood, then revised admission criteria to a loose requirement of a year or two of chaste behavior. A cowardly and inane decision likely based on the dearth of vocations. Now the priest ranks are filled with SSA men many who are not in control of their disorder.
Insofar as the change, it occurred as alluded to, bishops presuming that they could set their own criteria, the Magisterium lacking the fortitude. Furthermore, we already had bishops who had their own issues with SSA and were inclined to accept men who were clearly unsuited for the priesthood. As I mentioned elsewhere John Paul II and Benedict XVI were simply not up to the task of taking on the issue, perhaps in consideration of the entrenched homosexual networks assuming it was overwhelming. As said we needed and still need a Pope the caliber of Saint Gregory the Great to address this matter, which is basically why the Church is floundering.
Good article…I have struggled with this topic for quite sometime now and have seen the evolvement of how we deal with homosexuality…in scripture particularly Paul’s letter to the Roman’s, he seems very blunt about and disgusted by the act of sodomy….I do believe we should be compassionate in our response.. I have read testimonies of LG people who having come out of the lifestyle become christian and with help and understanding eventually married the opposite sex and are living fruitful lives…this was not discussed..also we need to really concentrate on vocabulary and how we use words to describe these issues…being careful not to by into this cultures narrative…as far as our struggling priests that us a whole other concern especially with the confusion of FS document and the total failure of the church to be in unity even amongst cardinals and bishops..until the DDF gets its act together the problem will continue to exist…mother Mary pray for us…
Excellent article. Should be required reading for Pope Francis, Rev Martin, Cardinals Fernandez, McElroy, Hollerich, et al.
Paul states that there are 2 things that parents should do. Actually there are three. The parents need to ask their child to forgive them for their role in causing the child’s disfunction. Studies have shown that for male homosexuals there is a virtually universal absence of father love and father’s acceptance of his son. The mother also plays a role and possibly older brothers as well. As for lesbianism there is evidence the mother rejects the daughter.
Likewise it should be better understood that homosexuality is not chosen by the victim, but rather that the parents are responsible for their child’s condition. This would go a long way toward taking the onus off the suffering victim.
You are harsh regarding the parents. Your judgement might be appropriate in some circumstances but I would estimate that mostly parents do their level best. Every child has different needs. Parents of the best disposition are not perfect mind readers. So much of what determines the outcome with a child occurs in the first two years when communication is challenging. The best parents in the world can misperceive what is transpiring — and the results of those first few years are not known for sometime.
When the wiring is fixed, it can be very difficult to alter, often impossible. No cross is provided that cannot assist in a person’s salvation. Not all those crosses are to our taste or are readily understood. Life is a long road. Some roads are full of impediments. You take them on one at a time. Behavior can change, but the underlying condition often remains. Prayer is absolutely essential and is a determinative in how this condition is shouldered.
Have you ever noticed that the Saints are raised up to give a counter witness to the prevailing errors of the day? St. Teresa of Calcutta vs. crass consumerism, etc. St. JPII vs. communism, etc. St. Augustine vs. paganism, etc.
They are among us, now, on the issues discussed herein.
As such, it is my privilege to encourage those in Courage.
Thank you for this interview and for Paul’s “courage”. After asking, “What advice would you give to Catholic parents who may have a child with SSA?” I wish the interviewer would have followed up with what a Catholic parent should say (and do) when their child with SSA invites them to their wedding and to their birth surrogate or adoption celebration. It is the moral and cultural choices the child makes that go against Church teaching that actually cause the greatest anxiety for the parent.
So disheartening to read, that as a mother, I am responsible for my daughter’s SSA disorder, especially since I lost my own mother as a child and was raised by my father. I thought I gave my daughter everything I missed not having my own mother. Still it’s my fault? I’d like to know where, in her Catholic education, including her choice of a Catholic college, who groomed her.
I was taught we have free will in addition to being created in the image of God. It all begins and ends in your mind.
My mother used to have a little sign in the kitchen that read, Around here I have a very responsible position. Every time something goes wrong, I’m responsible.
So now this is my responsibility too. Pile on.