Raising children in an age of anxiety and a culture of individualism

Timothy P. Carney is the father of six children, a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, and a columnist at the Washington Examiner. A Catholic raised in New York City, he lives with his wife, Katie, in Northern Virginia.

Mr. Carney’s is the author of Family Unfriendly: How Our Culture Made Raising Kids Much Harder Than It Needs to Be. His previous works include Alienated America, The Big Ripoff, and Obamanomics.

Mr. Carney spoke recently with Catholic World Report about his new book and the importance of raising children.

CWR: Who did you write this book for?

Tim Carney: First, I wrote it for parents who feel they are drowning in the task of raising children. I think our culture puts ridiculous demands on parents, and I want to talk parents out of Tiger-Momming.

Second, I wrote it for young people who feel that starting a family is out of reach—or who believe they must sacrifice family for career.

Finally, I wrote it for anyone who wonders about American culture—why we’re having a Baby Bust, and why there is an epidemic of childhood anxiety.

CWR: How and why is the United States an “unfriendly” place to raise children, as your title describes it?

Carney: America’s culture is family-unfriendly in a few ways.

Parenting culture is insane. We’ve replaced the local little league with expensive and intensive travel sports. We’re told we’re neglecting our children if we don’t hover over them at every minute.

Mating and dating culture is broken. Thanks to the apps, thanks to broken gender relations, young people aren’t getting married in their 20s, and more and more young people have no interest in marriage.

Finally, our culture’s values are out of sync with the formation of family. The idea that we need to love our neighbors, that sacrifice for others is the path to happiness, that connection and relationship are more important than autonomy—these ideas are fading out of fashion.

CWR: What are some tools that might help a couple trying to raise a family in today’s American culture?

Carney: It takes a village to raise to a child. The most important “tool” for parents to have is other people. Mostly that means family—live close to grandma; have babies at the same time as your sister. Also, it means civil society—belong to things. Crucially, you need to go to church. I explain in Family Unfriendly that church-goers and observant Jews have the most kids.

CWR: What’s one thing that will surprise readers about this book?

Carney: Some readers will be surprised that family subsidies—like very large tax credits—seem to have little impact on birthrates.

Others will be surprised how important the little things are: walkability, playgrounds, a grandma within driving distance.

CWR: If you could put it in one sentence, what should every Catholic know about raising kids, based on your experience as a dad of six?

Carney: Our job is not to get them into Division I sports or the Ivy Leagues, and so we cannot let those crusades interfere with our job of getting them into heaven.

CWR: In what ways does your Catholic faith help you and your wife raise children?

Carney: Our Faith teaches us to lay down our lives for our friends. Parenting would be deeply dispiriting if we didn’t value sacrifice and see Christ’s sacrifice as a model.

Also, our friendship circles and our communities are based around the Church. These friends, sports leagues, schools, mentors, and pastors are indispensable to raising kids.

CWR: How does being Catholic make it harder to raise kids?

Carney: Being a Catholic makes us countercultural, which can introduce some issues. For one thing, we do not accept the bizarre gender ideology and sexual morality of DC-area public schools. This means we send our kids to Catholic schools. This requires not only money but also tons of driving and effort—and car-dependence is the enemy of family culture.

CWR: How has raising six children changed your marriage?

Carney: I can only speak for myself here. While marriage is properly understood as complete self-giving, I found that it took parenthood for me to begin to understand what selflessness and sacrifice meant. Seeing my helpless, adorable, babies inspired in me a desire to be better, and love fully. I have tried to channel these desires into my role as a husband.

CWR: What do the Scriptures teach us about family?

Carney: I think of God’s covenant with Abraham and his new covenant with us. Both of them revolved around the birth of a baby. I think this is profoundly important.

The connection of love, marriage, and family formation—down to the specific phenomena of pregnancy and childbirth—educate us about who we are, and where we fit in the universe.

CWR: What prayers, devotions, and/or saints help you and your wife as parents?

Carney: I could rattle off our family’s patron saints, but if you walked around our house, you would see the Blessed Mother is central, as far as saints go.

CWR: Your book opens with a quote from Pope Francis that equates happy societies with high birth rates and unhappy societies with low birth rates. What does that tell us about the United States as our birth rates plunge?

Carney: Civilizational Sadness has taken hold of our culture. We are pessimistic. We increasingly see the world as a fixed pie, and that our neighbor’s gain is our loss. We don’t see ourselves as good. And if we’re not good, why would we want more of us?

CWR: How would you propose young adults overcome the bias of our U.S. financial system in favor of individualism, as you outline in the book?

Carney: The sad thing is that many young people are afraid of starting a family because of financial precarity. The truth is that marriage is one of the best things you can do to bring about financial stability. Immersing yourself in a community provides even more stability and opportunity—and starting a family will help you get immersed in community!

CWR: Recent books on wedlock, such as Get Married by the Catholic sociologist Brad Wilcox, suggest that conservative, religious people are the likeliest to form a union and raise children. What can we take away from that correlation?

Carney: First, religion teaches us that self-sacrifice—laying down our lives for others—is the path to happiness. This belief is central to happy parenting. Secondly, religion is one of the best sources of community, and parents need community.

CWR: What have been your biggest desolations as a parent and why?

Carney: Watching my children struggle with important things—with friendships, academics, speech—and not being able to solve their problems. I don’t want to do everything for my kids, but I desperately want them to have good experiences that build love and virtue.

CWR: What have been your biggest consolations as a parent and why?

My children and my wife are the most forgiving people I know. I mess up as a dad all the time, and they always forgive me.